Day 3. I quit myself. I see myself depending on meds, with it I’m cool without it I’m nut. Neither with or without i still have this thought. My death. I’m 29. Time pass remarkable swift. I was 21 as i remember, now i heading 30s. No! I’ve wasted 9 years for nothing. I screaming out loud with remorse at unable reverse history.
My friends about my age has passing, i didn’t know until several months later after i disappeared from friend circle for long time. It begin hit in my head. What and how will i face at my dead bed. Is it i trying so hard to stay awake as i do every night as i near my edge of death? Is there anything i would regret or i didn’t tell? Is there anything i haven’t accomplish in my life or my partner hasn’t know? Will i willing sleep in peace and release my last breath? How awful i fight against grim reaper? All i see is darkness and despair.
As time passing i begin treasure every moment. I getting old. I think of my early childhood, i was hated to wait to grow up and age 21 seem so far from me. When i was 21, 30 is so far from me and i have a lot of time. When i was 24, 30? Nah, meh…. Now, I’m 29, give back my 18!! It won’t come back. I’ve let myself under nourished, i treated my body poorly, now i begin taste the meds what old folks told. There are a lot of things i not satisfied, I’m not doing good enough. Golden years worth millions of diamonds yet it can’t be replaced, after age 30, body begin shutting down. The following link stated how our body decline during middle age. https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/the-age-your-body-breaks-down/news-story/977ca7bb15385d6570941b2fa91826d0
Conclusion, i facing my death everyday. Birthday isn’t a fun thing to celebrate anymore. I stopped observe my birthday long ago. People start to forget our presence after several weeks of passing, it’s hardly make it through 3 generations. People won’t remember us, nor me. I begin has this thought, what if things i pursue was wrong? What about my belief, is it truly make sense of our existence or just another universal cycle?
I found lack of joice when i grow older. Many things aren’t draw me surprise nor delight me anymore. I see through things way more mature. Now i want to have peaceful life, starting to plan to settle down, fighting and bullfight aren’t my thing anymore. I’m looking for calm and wave less life. Aha, signs of old folk.